I think I am having a “normal” experience. I think my moods and reactions to events are verging on what an average person would experience. This is a strange place to be. Recently I applied to 2 jobs that I thought I was well qualified for, one of them which I really wanted. Just this week I was rejected for both of them. I was really upset. My thoughts went straight to telling me how this is to be expected because I’m not very good at anything and people can see through all my “experience” and “education” etc. I kept telling myself that I wasted my time and money getting a PhD—I could have just as easily been rejected for the jobs if all I had was a MS. I told myself that if I hadn’t pursued my PhD I would be $45,000 richer (no longer in debt for school), I wouldn’t have spent 8 years of my life having my self-esteemed destroyed, I would probably still love academia and formal education (currently I’m not too hip on it all), and I could have applied for the same jobs and have been rejected for the same jobs.
I felt horrible. This continued for several days. My husband was worried that I was slipping back into depression. I was a little bit worried about it too. The first 2 days after receiving the news were really difficult for me. The 3rd day was hard, but it didn’t feel as unbearable. By the 4th day, I was disappointed, but no longer discouraged. Now, I am fine. I’m still disappointed, but I’m not worried about it, I’m not obsessing about it, I’m not telling myself that I have no value. The intensity of my self-criticism has waned. This has left me scratching my head. Why am I feeling ok about it all? Why am I not obsessing and getting depressed? I’ve come to the conclusion that I am having a very normal reaction to a life-event. I think that people who do not suffer from depression would have gone through several days of feeling horrible, but that eventually, within days, they’d be able to move on. This is really strange, and wonderful, to realize that I’m emotionally healthy enough to get through this disappointment without having it destroy me/my mood. It appears that I’ve come to a new normal and I’ve tested the words out loud: I am normal. I am normal.
So where do I go from here? I’m finding that I defining myself as “depressed” is no longer accurate. But I’m not sure what I am anymore. Depression has been the focal point of how I defined myself that there is this gaping hole left behind. I am normal. So now what? It’s strange to think that I need to define myself with words that no longer describe my emotional state. Do I now think of myself in terms of my education? My marital status? My parental stage of life? My work status? My age? My religious affiliation? All of those things are part of me, but not the core of who I am. And I guess depression is not at the core of who I am. So. So.
I struggled with understanding the question of “who am I, really?” while I was depressed. I’ve struggled with it all of my life. But now I’ve lost an critical part of my identity. It’s interesting. Here are a few things that are true about me and seem not to have changed with my emotional state, I am:
- self-reflective
- caring
- empathetic
- persistent
- resilient
- forgiving
Well, I suppose that’s a good place to start. I was thinking about all of the things I enjoy doing, but those things change with time, energy, money availability, etc. They are more fluid than characteristics, like those listed above.
I am curious to see if my knee-jerk fear of getting depressed will change with time. It actually has already, to a degree. I remember talking to my husband and telling him that he didn’t need to worry about me getting clinically depressed over these rejections because I had a base feeling that I wasn’t on that trajectory. So my fear of getting depressed has lessened. Last year at this time I would get very anxious every time my mood flitted around or dipped low. I am becoming accustomed to this new normal. It’s kind of cool.
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