Two months of living depression-free! I can hardly believe it. I'm beginning to think I kicked that black dog out of my life for a good long while. Of course, I don't want to jinx myself.
I'm finding that although I'm not depressed, I'm not brimming with joy either. There is a deep-seated sadness that is persisting, but it isn't as heavy as when I'm depressed. In fact, I think the hard shell of depression was protecting my sorrow. But I can look at the sorrow now, and deal with it.
As far as enjoying life goes, I have yet to find my passion in life. Still feeling passionless. Still have to start teaching in a week. How can I teach something well when I don't feel passionate about it? Teachers who lack passion about the subject they're teaching are boring and uninspiring. At least I can sit down and think about work, even get some work done.
Whenever I get a spurt of energy I tend to start listing all the things I'm going to accomplish. I felt myself doing that today--I was considering taking on a lot of things just because I'm not depressed anymore. However, I'm holding myself back, because I sense that I'm still in the healing process and need to give myself time and freedom. I don't want to just start filling my life with busy activities. What I really want is to ground myself, explore my emotions, figure out who I am in the middle of my life. I hope I can do that and still have time for those around me; it's a balancing act--taking care of yourself and taking care of others. For the last four years I've been running on empty, but still taking care of the basic needs of my family. Part of me feels guilty for needing more time. But it's as if I was just clinging onto the face of a cliff in the middle of a storm and now I've climbed up over the cliff and I'm just lying flat on my back. I'm at the precipice, trying to get enough energy and nerve to stand up, maybe even look over cliff's ledge to see what I've overcome.
So despite my cultural and religious upbringing, that tells me I "should" take care of everyone else, especially now that I'm feeling better, I'm refusing to be guilted into doing more than I can. Even that alone is a big accomplishment.
I'm finding that although I'm not depressed, I'm not brimming with joy either. There is a deep-seated sadness that is persisting, but it isn't as heavy as when I'm depressed. In fact, I think the hard shell of depression was protecting my sorrow. But I can look at the sorrow now, and deal with it.
As far as enjoying life goes, I have yet to find my passion in life. Still feeling passionless. Still have to start teaching in a week. How can I teach something well when I don't feel passionate about it? Teachers who lack passion about the subject they're teaching are boring and uninspiring. At least I can sit down and think about work, even get some work done.
Whenever I get a spurt of energy I tend to start listing all the things I'm going to accomplish. I felt myself doing that today--I was considering taking on a lot of things just because I'm not depressed anymore. However, I'm holding myself back, because I sense that I'm still in the healing process and need to give myself time and freedom. I don't want to just start filling my life with busy activities. What I really want is to ground myself, explore my emotions, figure out who I am in the middle of my life. I hope I can do that and still have time for those around me; it's a balancing act--taking care of yourself and taking care of others. For the last four years I've been running on empty, but still taking care of the basic needs of my family. Part of me feels guilty for needing more time. But it's as if I was just clinging onto the face of a cliff in the middle of a storm and now I've climbed up over the cliff and I'm just lying flat on my back. I'm at the precipice, trying to get enough energy and nerve to stand up, maybe even look over cliff's ledge to see what I've overcome.
So despite my cultural and religious upbringing, that tells me I "should" take care of everyone else, especially now that I'm feeling better, I'm refusing to be guilted into doing more than I can. Even that alone is a big accomplishment.
2 comments:
Kim, I can't begin to say how happy I am read this. You know I *know* all to well what it is like living with a black dog. This post gives me hope. Right now I am crawling back from the worst depression of my life. I need a reason to believe that there is a life without depression.
Birdie, there is hope. I know you're in a very dark place, but you can make it out. It took me 4 damn years, but I made it! You can too.
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