Well, I received some professional critique last night and words like "rather alarming" and "unacceptable" were thrown around. I am not in a strong enough place to handle this. Over the last year and a half or so, it feels like every time I make any progress towards completing this damnable degree something or someone pulls the rug out from under me. Then I have to spend another week, or month, and get myself back up and going again. It really sucks. I had just come off a high--getting my first chapter of the dissertation finished, polished, and sent off for review for publication. I was feeling "normal," which for me is pretty good and now this. It's like my depression is sitting right in the center of my chest and it's all I can do to keep it down. And when something like this happens, it's all I can do to not absolutely loose faith in myself.
This all begs the question of what to do? The Western philosophy is that life is a battle that needs to be conquered; everything is a struggle and you fight until you win. Like my dad always said "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and never give up. The Eastern philosophy suggests that life is more of an inner struggle to learn to give up the self to the larger universe. Fighting is useless and puts you further behind, whereas giving yourself over to the higher power or some such thing ultimately brings out one's strengths. In church the other day someone used an analogy of a bush being pruned by a gardener. The bush asks why it must be pruned and the gardener answers that he's making the bush into what he wants it to be, with the analogy that we are the bush and God is the gardener and we should subject ourselves to the pruning (i.e. difficulties in life) to become all that we can be. It makes me wonder if I'm just kicking against the pricks or am I in the refiners fire? Is this all part of the struggle that makes me stronger or is the real lesson to be learned is that I should stop fighting something that is unbeatable and am I travelling down the wrong road? It's kind of like trying to get out of a riptide--instead of wasting your energy swimming against the current, you must let the tide take you out to the ocean and then get to a point where you can swim back, going with the flow rather than against it. So am I in a riptide? It feels like if I quite swimming, or dog-paddling as the case may be, that I will drown. I just don't know how to interpret the challenges I've faced over the last year and then some. But I'm afraid to make a decision because I'm not in a place of strength. My decision would most likely be made from a place of fear and insecurities. And that won't work. I'm just really tired of fighting in general. I'm ready to throw in the towel.
I apologize for some of the metaphors I'm using and mixing. They sound a bit trite and lacking in useful insights, but I'm tired and trying to make sense of things I don't really understand. So this blog is more like vomiting up my feelings, rather than being a meaningful essay of self-reflection.
Natural Art
Sandstone rock wall in Petra, Jordan
7 comments:
I think both philosphies are true for different reasons. I think we should fight with all of our might for the things that really, truly matter. I think we have to let go and let God show us the path, and then fight with all of our might to stay on it.
When Cameron was first diagnosed with Autism, I went into "fight mode" I was determined to do everything in my power to give him the best chance possible. So I spent years dragging him around to therapists and specialists and evaluations. And then all hell broke loose and he was in such a desperate crisis that I begged God to show me what to do. So I started homeschooling. He has grown more and is happier now than I ever thought possible. In that year of crisis I had such overwhelming guilt that I was not "enough" turns out THEY were not enough...I was just what he needed. You are enough. What ever path God directs you on, who you are will be just what is needed.
Thanks, Rebecca. I like the phrase "you are enough." Maybe the trick to learning happiness is learning to accept and believe that I am really enough.
Kim,
sorry about the poopy feedback on your dissertation. How discouraging when you have put so much good work into your first chapter.
You bring up some interesting points about when to fight and when to just "let it be".
I think you have to ask yourself a couple of questions. First,what do you really want? Second, what do you NEED? Third, if it is vital to your well being, are you willing to fight for it and work through hell to get it?
I used to (and still do) fight a lot of battles that just aren't worth it. The emotional energy expended, the worry, the stress, the emotional rollercoaster - most things aren't worth that type of ride. I have discovered that many of the things that I thought were so vital aren't quite as important as I imagined. So lately, I go more for the Eastern philosophy and I have found along the way that God directs me down paths that I would have never imagined. It is more of the Wu Wei idea from Taoism-actionless action.
Isn't it interesting how when we try to turn our lives over to God, that He has plans for us that weren't our plans. Yet in the long run we are so much happier for following His plan instead our ours.
Guess my faith is a little shaken lately...it is the turning to God and seeing his plans for me that scares me at times. It means stepping into the unknown and taking that leap of faith. I also like the phase "you are enough" (also a Mr. Roger's quote I used in my lesson). It is reassuring that my Savior understands me, is holding my hand, and giving me his shoulder to support me.
Sorry to hear about the paper, it is frustrating putting so much time into something and having it put down.
Comment above was from Jill...somehow I am using my daughter's account.
A comment on riptides- I was always taught that if I was caught in a riptide, I should swim sideways, either up or down the coastline, but not toward the beach. You don't waste energy fighting the current, but you don't waste time treading water, either. Eventually (I am told, I've never been in an actual riptide) you will realize you are no longer being dragged out to sea, and you can then turn toward the shore. Which possibly adds another way to look at one's efforts in life.
That's what I knew about riptides and just remembered it incorrectly until now(good thing I haven't been caught in one physically!). The basic issue in the metaphor is not to fight the current. I just wish I knew when my life was in a riptide and when it was in a little eddy that I do need to swim against!
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